


A Wrenching Succession of Separations

by Ivalee



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alzheimer's Disease, M/M, Modern - post 5x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-31
Updated: 2014-03-31
Packaged: 2018-01-17 17:42:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1396762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ivalee/pseuds/Ivalee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Losing Arthur once nearly broke Merlin’s heart, but caring for the man he loves through Alzheimer’s is like tearing off a piece of his heart each day.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Wrenching Succession of Separations

**Author's Note:**

> The title is from _The Madonnas of Leningrad_ by Debra Dean and is a heart-breaking and yet perfect description of caring for someone with Alzheimer’s.
> 
> This story is set in the same universe as my story, [And Future](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1075342/chapters/2159439), where Arthur returns, but it can totally be read as a stand-alone.
> 
> Many thanks to Cookie for the beta and Brit-pick.

“Merlin, when will we go back to Camelot?”

Merlin sighed as he placed Arthur’s lunch tray on the table beside the chair and knelt before his husband to smooth the blanket covering his legs. Arthur’s legs chilled easily now. The pale folds of skin hanging loosely over frail bones were mere shadows of the sinew and strength that had once climbed mountains and run marathons.

“We can’t return to Camelot, Arthur.” Merlin placed the tray containing an egg sandwich with the crusts cut off, applesauce and a glass of milk on Arthur’s lap and then unfolded the napkin and tucked it into Arthur’s collar to protect his shirt from spills. He smiled as he looked into the blue eyes he loved so much, even though they were somewhat obscured now by drooping eyelids and stray hairs that seemed too long to be eyebrows.

“Camelot is gone. Has been for many years. We live in Wales now, remember?” Merlin placed his own wrinkled hand gently on Arthur’s arm. “This is our house. We’ve lived here together for almost forty years.”

Arthur just glanced around as if trying to recognise his surroundings, and Merlin’s throat clenched. At least a dozen times each day Arthur asked when they would return to Camelot. Sometimes when Merlin explained, Arthur would nod his head in remembrance, and then look away, embarrassed at having forgotten. Sometimes, his embarrassment at forgetting made him angry, and he would shout that of course he knew that, did Merlin think he was stupid? Sometimes, he did not believe Merlin when he said Camelot was gone and he would lash out, shouting and throwing anything within reach, demanding that Merlin take him home.

But the times like this, when Arthur just looked around, lost and confused, unable to remember the home he and Merlin had shared for most of their marriage, were the times that broke Merlin’s heart. Merlin blinked back tears as he walked to the kitchen to retrieve his own lunch. He knew this would be a rough day if Arthur was unable to recognise their home by midday. Arthur’s memory usually got worse throughout the day, leaving him most confused in the evenings when he was tired.

Sometimes, as they lay in bed trying to settle for the night, when Arthur asked when they would go back to Camelot, Merlin would just answer, “Soon.”

Merlin returned to the living room with his lunch and sat down in his chair next to Arthur’s. He placed his salad and water on the table between the chairs and took a large bite of his turkey sandwich. He noticed that Arthur was still staring blankly into the room and had not started eating yet.

“You better eat before your bread starts to dry out, Arthur.” He forced a chuckle to try to draw Arthur out of his funk. “You know you hate eating dry bread.”

Arthur finally turned his head, but still didn’t meet Merlin’s gaze. “Merlin, when can we go back to Camelot? I want to go home.”

Merlin sighed and felt his shoulders droop. Yes, it was going to be a long day.

****************

“Did I ever tell you about the time Morgana and I put toads in our nanny’s wardrobe?”

Merlin gave a noncommittal grunt and reached out to steady the lineup of pill bottles he had spread on the sheet as Arthur shifted in bed, excited to share his story. Merlin was loading Arthur’s pill organizer with all his medication for the coming week while Arthur, in an oddly peppy mood, shared stories from his childhood. Well, he shared one story anyway. He was on a bit of a loop, but he was so happy, and it kept him distracted while Merlin tended to his pills, so Merlin just let him continue.

“Oh, it was so funny! This nanny was one of our most annoying. She always insisted that we put away our own clothes.”

Arthur looked at Merlin expectantly, so Merlin rolled his eyes with an indulgent smirk. “The horror!”

“Exactly.” Arthur continued with a grin that made Merlin’s heart soar. “Well, we decided that since she made us spend so much time tidying our wardrobes, we’d give her a bit of a surprise in hers.”

The excited lilt in Arthur’s tone made Merlin pause halfway through loading the pill box with cholesterol medication to watch his husband during this retelling. For some reason, Arthur was really into his reminiscing tonight and his eyes had their old sparkle back. His features were animated as he wove his tale of sneaking out at night with Morgana to fill a pail with toads from a nearby pond. Arthur remembered every detail of their adventure, from Morgana getting upset about muddying her nightdress to having to change their planned route through the palace because they were afraid the guards would hear the croaking in the pail.

Arthur raised his arms as well as he could to imitate pushing the pail through a high window, and Merlin could almost see the years melting from his face. Oh, how he loved this man.

But even as Merlin grinned with joy at Arthur’s effervescence tonight, he couldn’t help feeling keenly the bittersweet nature of this moment. The Alzheimer’s that ravaged his husband’s mind frequently broke Merlin’s heart. Arthur rarely spoke of the years since he had returned from Avalon. He became confused when Merlin told him stories of experiences they had shared during their 53 years of marriage. But his childhood and young adulthood in Camelot loomed large; his mind ever returning to his years as a prince and young king.

“So the next morning, we hid behind her curtains. It was so hard not to laugh!” Arthur laughed now at the memory and Merlin laughed right along with him, even though this was the sixth time he had heard this story tonight and probably the sixtieth time he had heard it in his life.

“And when she opened the wardrobe door and toads started hopping out in every direction…” Arthur threw his head back with such a hearty laugh, Merlin was certain he would be sore in the morning. “Oh, Merlin! You should have seen her face!”

Arthur shook his head and chuckled, and Merlin just smiled at his husband sadly, because he knew what was coming next.

“Remind me, how old am I now?” Arthur turned a questioning gaze to Merlin.

“You’re 88, Arthur.”

“That old? Huh.” Arthur shook his head in disbelief. “You know, I couldn’t have been more than eight years old when that happened, so that was at least eighty years ago.”

Merlin’s heart clenched, because of course, even though it felt like eighty years to Arthur, the event had actually taken place more than 1500 years ago. But Arthur seemed unaware of this discrepancy.

“I still remember every detail!” Arthur marvelled. “I must have an amazing memory to remember that so well from eighty years ago.”

Now Merlin had to laugh. He had to laugh so he wouldn’t cry. This was the sixth time in the span of half an hour that Arthur had told the story of his and Morgana’s toad prank. And this was the sixth time in the span of half an hour that Arthur had marvelled about how amazing his memory was.

“What are you laughing about?” Arthur’s eyes still had that old familiar twinkle as he turned his gaze on Merlin.

“Nothing.” Merlin swallowed hard against a lump in his throat. “I just love you so damn much, Arthur.”

Now Arthur shook his head, clearly confused by Merlin’s declaration. “I love you, too, you idiot.”

Arthur leaned toward Merlin to press a kiss onto his cheek. The shift in weight on the bed caused a few pill bottles to slide toward Arthur, turning his attention to the quite full pill organizer.

“Are all those for me?” His tone became sad all of a sudden, and when Merlin just nodded, Arthur sighed. “There’s a lot of them.”

They fell into silence for a few moments, and Arthur turned away to look out the window. Merlin continued the systematic process of placing each pill into its assigned slot for morning, noon or night consumption each day. Every Sunday night, this ritual served as a reminder that Arthur’s body was failing him just as much as his mind was.

Merlin finished up and began returning the pill bottles to their storage box. Then suddenly, Arthur turned back to look at Merlin with a mischievous twinkle in his eye and a sly chuckle in his throat.

“Did I ever tell you the story of the time Morgana and I put toads in our nanny’s wardrobe?”

Placing the last bottle into the box and closing the lid, Merlin turned to smile at the man he had been in love with for more than 1500 years. He shook his head slowly and gave the only answer he could.

“Maybe. But I’d love to hear it again.”

****************

“Merlin…”

Merlin looked up from the laundry he was folding to see Arthur staring at him with fear in his eyes and tears streaming down his face. Dropping a shirt, Merlin rose from the couch as quickly as he could in this tired old body to cross the living room. He carefully knelt before his husband and gathered his hands into his own.

“Arthur? What is it?”

“I can’t remember my wife’s name.” Arthur’s eyes met Merlin’s. “I know I’m married, and I feel like she died a few years ago. But I can’t remember her name.”

Tears sprang to Merlin’s eyes. Had Arthur forgotten that he had been married to Merlin for more than half a century now? Would he soon forget Merlin entirely? He’d hoped they still had a few years before Arthur reached that point.

“She had dark hair. With curls.” Arthur could barely choke out the words through his tears now. Merlin could not bear Arthur’s sorrow, so he would put his own grief aside for the moment to help his love.

“Guinevere.” Somehow, Merlin’s voice came out strong and even. “Her name was Guinevere, Arthur. Most of us called her Gwen, but you usually used her full name.”

“Guinevere.” Arthur repeated, relieved. “Yes. I remember. And you knew her, too?”

Merlin pursed his lips and bobbed his head a few times. “She was a good friend.”

“And did she die?” Arthur opened and closed his mouth. “I don’t remember her dying.”

With a sigh, Merlin patiently launched into the explanation of Arthur’s death and return. Alzheimer’s was difficult enough on everyone it affected, but Arthur’s unique past complicated things greatly. Sometimes Merlin tried to explain things to Arthur in a way that he could avoid discussing his centuries of absence. But this time it was necessary in order to explain that the reason Arthur didn’t remember Gwen’s death was that he wasn’t there, because he had died first. Arthur nodded along, but Merlin knew he wouldn’t remember any of this in just a few minutes.

“So I died. And then I came back years later after everyone I knew was long dead?”

Merlin just nodded and chose not to meet Arthur’s eyes.

“Except you.” Merlin’s head snapped up to see Arthur smiling sadly down at him. Arthur lifted his hand to cup Merlin’s cheek, his thumb stroking across the loose skin that covered Merlin’s still prominent cheekbone.

“Dearest Merlin.” As Arthur spoke, Merlin leaned into his touch and let his eyes fall closed for a moment. “You are always with me.”

Merlin turned his head to press a kiss into his husband’s palm, before looking back up at him with a smile.

“And I always will be.”

_Even if you do forget my name._ Merlin held the gaze of the man he loved _. Even when you no longer recognise me, Arthur, I will stay by your side. Always._

****************

The next few months had both good days and bad.

When Merlin brought Arthur breakfast in bed for their anniversary, Arthur spent ten minutes reminiscing about their wedding.

When their dear friend, Anna, who they had known for more than fifty years, came to visit, Arthur introduced himself to her fourteen times during dinner.

One day, Arthur felt restless and declared that they needed to go eat at their favorite café in town. The next, he refused to leave their room all day, and Merlin had to clean up after him when he couldn’t quite make it to the loo in time.

And slowly, the bad days started to outnumber the good ones. Arthur became more forgetful and more nervous. He became physically weaker and began to lose control of his body, which frustrated him no end. And, eventually, the difficulties of dealing with an increasingly agitated and combative Arthur began to wear Merlin down. He noticed that he had less patience with his husband and would snap at him for small things that he knew Arthur had no control over. Merlin always apologized. And Arthur always forgave him. Or at least forgot anything had happened within a few minutes.

The days were difficult and the nights long, and Merlin both longed for and dreaded the end.

Winter arrived cold and bleak, and Arthur rarely wanted to venture out of the house, so Merlin found himself falling into a bit of a depression. He missed the company of the man he used to know. This Arthur was a shell of the strong, intelligent man who once led a kingdom.

Occasionally friends came to visit, but they didn’t stay long, and their visits became less and less frequent as Arthur grew worse. It shocked people to see Arthur so weak in both mind and body. They didn’t know how to respond to the repetitive nature of conversation with a person with Alzheimer’s. And when Arthur no longer remembered their names or faces, many stopped coming, preferring to text Merlin occasionally just to check in.

That February, Arthur died in hospital with a severe case of pneumonia. Merlin sat next to the hospital bed, holding his husband’s hand and speaking words of comfort and love as Arthur struggled to draw his last breath. In the end, Merlin was grateful that Arthur died before he forgot Merlin completely. Of course, he would have stayed with Arthur and cared for him no matter what, but he wasn’t sure how he would have handled blank unrecognising stares from the man he had loved and centred his life around for centuries.

In the long, lonely years to come, Merlin would be forever grateful for one particularly coherent morning four months before Arthur died. Arthur awoke before Merlin, but instead of reaching over to shake him awake, requesting his breakfast as he usually did, Arthur had let Merlin sleep. Merlin opened his eyes to see his beloved husband watching him with a hint of a smile turning up his thin, cracked lips.

“Good morning, sleepyhead.” Arthur leaned forward to place a kiss on Merlin’s temple, and then edged closer, tucking an arm under Merlin’s and clasping their hands together.

Merlin breathed a contented sigh and closed his eyes, savoring the closeness. He couldn’t remember the last time he and Arthur snuggled in bed in the morning. He would have been happy to drift back to sleep enjoying the feel of Arthur’s warm skin pressed against his, but Arthur apparently had been thinking for a while about something they needed to discuss.

“When I die this time, I won’t be coming back.”

Arthur’s voice was sad, but resigned. They had discussed this before. The Once and Future King would not return again and again. He died young the first time and returned when his kingdom needed him. He was able to live a long and full life the second time around, but one lifetime was all he got. King Arthur would not continue to rise from the dead over and over.

Without waiting for a response, Arthur continued, “But you’ll still be here. Won’t you, Merlin?”

Merlin reluctantly pulled back from the warmth of Arthur’s embrace so he could look at his husband’s face.

“As far as I know, I am immortal.”

This was a half-truth, because, although Merlin did not age naturally and never got sick or injured, he did know of several ways to use his own magic to end his life. And Merlin was seriously considering using one of these methods after Arthur died.

People were not meant to live for centuries. They needed a purpose. For more than 1500 years, Merlin’s primary purpose had been, well… Arthur. First he served Arthur in Camelot. Then he waited for Arthur to return. And since Arthur’s return, he had shared his life with him. Of course, Merlin had served other roles. Arthur was not his only reason for existing. He used his magic in a variety of ways to help those around him. He was a damn good physician, combining medicine and magic to heal his patients. And together, he and Arthur had formed a community of sorcerers to help make magic a force for good in the world, even if it had to remain secret.

But without Arthur, Merlin wasn’t sure these other tasks would feel worthwhile anymore. People needed companionship as well as a purpose in life. An immortal life meant that most relationships would feel temporary, but Merlin’s relationship with Arthur had, in a way, spanned centuries. He wasn’t sure he wanted to continue with no chance of seeing his love again.

Merlin had not shared this information with Arthur, but somehow, Arthur must have figured out what he was thinking, because that morning as they lay side by side, Arthur looked Merlin straight in the eye and told him he had to continue.

“I know it will be hard, Merlin. But you must live on without me.” He rolled onto his side and squeezed Merlin’s hand between both of his.

“There’s still too much for you to do. You used to say that your magic existed to serve me, but Merlin, you’ve always used it for more than that. You… your magic, your intelligence, your courage, your kindness and compassion…” Arthur let out a breathy laugh. “Merlin, you have an amazingly huge heart! How else could you have dealt with me all this time?”

Merlin just smiled as Arthur continued, “You were meant as a gift to the world. I’ve selfishly taken so much of your time and focus over the years, but I know that you are supposed to continue to live on… to help people for as long as you can.”

Arthur leaned forward and kissed Merlin again, before pressing his forehead to his husband’s. “I love you so much. I was so lucky to be such a big part of your life, but you have to promise me that after I die, you’ll keep living.”

Tears stung Merlin’s eyes, so he closed his eyelids, but kept his forehead pressed against his king’s. Arthur’s next whispered words would remain with him for all of time. They would comfort him and keep him going, though his heart ached with loss. Through the years, Merlin continued to help others, as a physician, as a teacher, as a sorcerer and as a peacekeeper. He had many friendships, both personal and professional that he cherished dearly. He saved many lives and changed many hearts and minds.

But during those long years, any time Merlin felt as if he wasn’t sure he was making much difference, as if he wasn’t sure his work was worthwhile, he remembered that morning, his forehead pressed against the man he loved, hearing the words of his husband, his king.

“You must continue, my love. The world needs a Merlin. You are the bravest and best person I’ve ever known. And I never want you to change.”

And so, with the love and faith of his husband to bolster him, Merlin found the courage to face each new day.


End file.
